What brings them here?

This blog gets around 1,200 hits a day now. Many people find it via a Google search. Here are some of the more unusual phrases that people have used to arrive here.

When can you shave your legs as a cyclist?
Any day that has an “R” in it. That way you avoid stubble on a Sunday.

Geek forearm numbness
Try changing hands

Wheelbarrow effect
The next big thing after the greenhouse gas effect

Beautiful Amazon bike snob
I guess if you are a beautiful Amazon, you can be any kind of snob you want

How heavy is a Dutch bike?
Beats me; that’s kinda like asking how long is a piece of string?

A man was riding up hill on his bike, yet he was walking
Is this a trick question? Yet was the name of his dog

Bottom bracket education
Set your sights a little higher; go for a top bracket education

Dave’s auction income
Not very much

Gay torn jeans blog
This blog has many facets, but that’s not one of them. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

How do you fix a bike?
You remove its nuts

My head is loose; can I still ride my bike?
Yes, just don’t ride over any bumps

What does one-way road mean?
Here’s a clue; if everything is coming towards you, you are on one and going the wrong way

Diamondback approach
My advice, don’t approach a diamondback

Can I ride further on a regular bike than on a stationary bike?
Duh, let me get back to you

Pictures of little men on bicycles
Are you the same person looking for the gay torn jeans blog?

Friends

Hollywood celebrities Courteney Cox (Left.) and Jennifer Aniston (Right.) stars of TV sitcom “Friends,” are it appears, real life friends.

When Jennifer mentioned she would like to take up cycling, Courteney rushed out and bought her a $12,000 Chanel Bike.

Steve, AKA the Maltese Falcon, a regular reader and commenter on this blog, sent me a link to the story.

At first I thought this is one of those nothing, no-news stories, then I thought why not have some fun with this. I imagined the conversation the day after the sale, between the Chanel store that sold the bike, and Chanel’s corporate office.

The conversation would go something like this.....

“Hello, is this Chanel Corporate Purchasing? This is Tyrone Schoulaces, manager of the Chanel Store, on Rodeo Drive. We need to order another Chanel bicycle.”

CORPORATE PURCHASING: What do mean another one, there is no other one, that bicycle is one of a kind. We’re talking about the $12,000 bicycle, right?

TS: Yes we sold it and we need another one. Courteney Cox came in a bought it for her friend Jennifer Aniston.

CP: You did what. You weren’t supposed to sell it, that is why it was $12,000. We figured the type of people who can afford $12,000, do not ride bicycles.

TS: I don’t understand, it was in my store with a price ticket on it, so I naturally thought it was for sale.

CP: No darling, we are in the fashion, perfume, and bag business, not the bicycle business; what are you going to do if they bring it back with a flat tire, or the brakes need adjusting?

TS: So why offer a bike?

CP: It was a publicity ploy. We announced at the end of last year we had a bicycle for $12,000. Then we took a bicycle you could buy at any bike store for what? $600 tops. Stick an already overpriced Chanel bag on the back, say another $300, and there you have it a $12,000 bicycle. Vogue and all the other fashion magazines just lapped it up.

TS: I remember reading that, Vogue said was $6,000.

CP: That’s when we realized someone might actually buy it, so we doubled the price. Of course it never occurred to me that some celebrity would want to show off and buy it as a gift for another celebrity. We should have tripled the price.

TS: So what’s the problem? Just get another bike.

CP. It’s not that easy; that bike came all the way from Holland, or Nederland, or some other ‘behind the times’ place were they haven’t discovered the internal combustion engine, and people ride bikes all the time. Actually, the bike was made in China, shipped to Holland, then here.

TS: So that bike had been three-quarters of the way around the world.

CP: Exactly, and now it will be lucky if it goes three-quarters of the way around Beverley Hills.

TS: I thought all these Hollywood types were going “green.” You know, global warming and all that.

CP: Oh yes, they support it, and talk about it, but let's face it, they are still going to drive their Hummers and Limos. In fact all the hot air coming out of Hollywood about global warming, is actually contributing to global warming.

TS: So what are we going to do about the bicycle? There’s a large void, in my window where it used to be.

CP: Okay darling, here’s what you do; you get it back. It wouldn’t surprise me if Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston chipped in six grand apiece, and cooked this whole thing up as a publicity ruse themselves.

TS: Do you really think they would do that?

CP: Of course, what with Courteney not working much, and Jennifer’s break-up with Brad being ‘old news,’ they are probably trying to drum up some residuals from TV re-runs of “Friends.”

TS: I wondered about that. What kind of a person spends $12,000 on a gift for a friend, then blabs to the media about how much she’s spent. So how do I get it back?

CP: You contact Courteney Cox and offer to buy it back. If it is a publicity stunt, she’ll jump at it. If Jennifer really wants to take up cycling, buy her a decent bike from any LA bike store, and ask if you can borrow the Chanel bike for display until the end of the year. Offer Courteney and Jennifer a year’s supply of bags and perfume.

TS: But why do you only need the bike until the end of the year?

CP: Because by that time bikes will be so last year, and we’ll think of some other bull-shit idea to get millions of dollars worth free publicity.

TS: I’ll take care of it.

CP: Thanks, chow darling.

Fixed gear enthusiasts are discovering they have a hole in their rear

I came across a website for “Fast Boy Fenders,” an enterprise that makes beautifully crafted wooden fenders for that terminally hip crowd, the fixed gear enthusiast.

The main selling point for this item is stated like this:

“Been wondering what to do with that hole in your frame where your rear brake used to be?”

One would think the main selling point for fenders would be that they keep rain water from spraying up your back, but not these fenders. These are works of pure art, and at $75 for a small rear fender, the last thing you would want, would be to get them wet.

There is an extreme shortage of old steel track frames. They were only a small part of most framebuilder’s production; I only made a handful. Most fixed gear exponents are using road frames, which brings up the question, what to do with all the superfluous braze-ons?

You definitely don’t want to cut them off, because this will devalue the frame, and when this craze is over, probably around next spring, you will be selling off the frame, or converting it back to a road bike.

It occurred to me that a whole cottage industry could spring up, making all kinds of cool shit to hang on your bike.



The top tube pad (Left.) already covers up the cable eyelets on the top tube, so we don’t have to worry about them. Here are some other ideas I had:

The rear derailleur hanger:

The first thing that came to mind was a kickstand. However, I dismissed this idea immediately as not being hip enough. Then I thought, why not use it to hold a bolt-on rear sprocket guard? Why would you need a rear sprocket guard? It doesn’t matter why, it would be such a cool thing to have.

There is no apparent reason to have a top tube pad, but ask any fixie enthusiast and he will give you at least three good ones. Part of the fun would be coming up with a reason to have a rear sprocket guard.

The down tube gear lever braze-ons:

How about two cup shaped knee pads that bolt on to the lever bosses? When you are doing one of those nose on the front wheel stops, just lock your knee into one of these pads and it will stop you quicker than Brittney Spears singing career.

The water bottle braze-ons:

This one was a little tricky. Maybe a bolt-on card holder for those who have aero wheels and can’t put the cards in the spokes?

So there you have it, just a few starter ideas; I’m sure you can come up with others.

My apologies to Bike Snob NYC, who has made a blogging career out of lambasting the fixie crowd; I didn’t mean to steal your thunder. (Your concept maybe, but definitely not your thunder.) If a person is going to steal ideas, then steal from the best is my motto.

This looks fishy

“A man needs a woman like a bicycle needs a fish.”


This picture by Scott London was spotted over on Velorution.

Bike from Wal-Mart.....$200
Custom made fish.......$15,000

Finding a lake with a slope, so you can go water skiing...Priceless

Batman and Robin never had this problem

Road cyclists as a group are under attack again. Recently there was the New Jersey Quick Release Ban, now there is a movement afoot to ban cycling shorts in Salt Lake City, Utah. A group calling themselves Citizens for Decent Public Attire, finds the skin tight cycling shorts worn by local cyclists, offensive.

The fears of this group are unfounded and the women of Utah are safe; I can assure them that there is nothing quick release about a pair of bib shorts.

After giving this issue much thought, it occurred to me that Batman and Robin, Superman and all the other super heroes of yesteryear wore tights and never had this problem. And they were on television in an era when censorship was far more strict than today.

For example, at that time, married couples could not be shown in the same bed together. Also remember, this was children's television and had the brim of the hat been even slightly visible, there would have been hell to pay.

So how did the Dynamic Duo get away with it? It was not that these actors were not well endowed; they didn't call Robin "The Boy Wonder" for nothing.

The answer was in discrete padding in their tights that made them appear Genitalia-less. Only the slightest hint of a bulge in the pubic area, just enough to distinguish Batman from Batwoman. The result, no one was offended.

The manufactures of cycling shorts should take note; the technology to make the penis as invisible as a stealth bomber on the radar screen was there in the 1950s, and can be used again today.

It appears that Performance Bicycle may already be using this concept. (See picture, right.)

I can imagine the potential for some catchy advertising like: "The Anti-bacterial padding in these shorts is cleverly placed for a low profile, less pretentious package."

Or: "Extreme comfort level for both the wearer and the casual observer."

It also occurred to me, and again, the idea sprang from television censorship. Today anything offensive we might see on TV is Pixilated; blurred out so we can't see the details.

Here is an idea; why not print the pixilation right on the shorts in the crotch area.

Any innocent bystander who might accidentally gaze in that direction, would see the pixilation, and being accustomed to seeing this on TV would be satisfied that the matter had been taken care of.

The pixilation should be extended from the crotch to the rear of the shorts, because when those white shorts get wet, we can see your butt crack.

I should start charging money for ideas like this, but I do it for the good of the sport of cycling.