Road Cyclist’s Ten Commandments

The Vatican recently issued a set of Ten Commandments for motorists. I thought it appropriate that road cyclists have their own.

1. Pray as you cycle, but not with your hands together and your eyes closed.

2. Thou shall not run red lights, except when there is no one else around; it shall be as the tree falling silently in the forest.

3. When a motorist cuts you off, offer up the sign of the cross. One finger pointed towards Heaven will not suffice.

4. Thou shalt wave to thy fellow cyclist. If he should ignore you, offer your blessing, and not “Fuck you, moron.”

5. If three consecutive cyclists ignore your wave, you are exempt from the forth commandment.

6. If passed while climbing a steep hill by a Fred with a 30 inch granny gear, resist the urge to wish that his chain will jump over his plastic dork disc and rip every spoke from his rear wheel.

7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass, nor his six-pack abs, or any other part of his body.

8. Before the sun sets on the Sabbath, thou shalt shave your legs.

9. The meek shall inherit the earth. Blingy equipment that is lighter than an anorexic butterfly, will not substitute for miles in your legs.

10. Thou shalt not lie. Thou shalt not go on Internet forums under a pseudonym and boast how you blew all your friends away on an 8,000-foot climb, when the biggest hill in your area is a bridge over the freeway.

The National Enquirer to Sponsor a Pro Cycling Team

Regular readers of my blog will remember an early story I did about a special bike I built in 1978 for the National Enquirer, and how they owed me a story. It appears that a few weeks ago an executive at that publication found my blog during a Google search.

I am pleased to announce that The Enquirer has gone way above and beyond just doing an article, and are talking about full-blown sponsorship of a professional team to be entered in the 2008 Tour de France.

The exiting news is that the team will be riding my bikes. As I write this, people at the Enquirer are scouring EBay and Craigslist looking for suitable bikes and equipment.

The executive I spoke with, whose name I am not at liberty to divulge just happens to be a huge fan of 1980s lugged steel. I questioned how he expected the team to compete on “old tech” equipment. His answer was simple. Steroids.

This just goes to show the forward-thinking-ness of the Enquirer. At a time when everyone else is trying to rid sport of drugs, here is an outfit with the balls to come out and say that modern professional sport demands stimulants.

As he pointed out to me, people these days go to a ballpark and want to see some freak with a large head, knock one over the stands. So, what greater spectacle than a guy built like a semi-truck, winning stage after stage, charging through the pack like a 280 lb. ball through a set of bowling pins.

While on the subject of large heads he doubted anyone on the team would fit into a modern Styrofoam helmet. With this in mind, his plans are to go full retro with wool jerseys and leather hairnet style helmets that would be easier to custom fit.

The intention is to hand select team members as soon as possible so they can start ’roiding up for the rest of this year in preparation for the 2008 season. It was mentioned that it is essential for the team to be on lugged steel. “These guys will tear a carbon fiber frame apart like a baby with a balsa wood airplane.” Was one quote.

No one at the Enquirer seemed too perturbed when I pointed out the Tour has stringent rules and drug tests in place. Again, I quote, “We’ll deal with that issue when the time comes with good old American ingenuity, good attorneys, and a few well placed bribes.”

I have to admit when it comes to bullshit, no one is better equipped to deal with it than the Enquirer; they have been specializing in it for years. It should be interesting.


Charleston, SC April 1st, 2007.

Bike Blog Block

Sitting at the keyboard
Staring at the screen,
A case of bike blog writer’s block
The worst I’ve ever seen.

The bicycle so simple
You push one pedal down,
The other one comes up again
And the wheels go round and round.

Have I reached the limit?
Is there any more to say?
Will it all come back again
If I wait another day?

I go on to Bike Forums
To try to find ideas
But they’re asking “If I shave my legs,
Will my wife think I’m queer?”

I struggle to find answers
To questions quite inane,
Like, "Do you still commute to work
If it looks like rain."

And on the vintage forum
Someone’s asking for advice,
On dating a Bottechia
I say, “Why not if she’s nice.”

I wonder if I write a blog
A post nobody finds,
Then did I really write it?
Is it only in my mind?

I know by now you’re asking
Has he really lost his marbles?
The longer I go on with this
The message becomes garbled.

Writing about nothing
And even make it rhyme,
Is really not that difficult
All it takes is time.

But to write exclusively about
A subject like a bike,
And try to keep it interesting
The stuff that people like.

Is really not that easy
And like my Momma said,
There will always be days like these
When there’s nothing in my head.

If by chance you are still reading
Maybe I’ve entertained,
I’ve made something out of nothing
And my posting’s not in vain.


Please check back again, after this it can only get better.

Every Picture Tells a Story

Clive knew when his affair with the framebuilder’s wife became public he should have canceled his order for a new bike. However, against his better judgment he let the order stand. Now he deeply regretted it.

Coming soon to a theatre near you: Broke Bike Mountain.


Detective Andrews knew before he even examined the body lying beside the bike trail that he was dealing with a cycle path.

Despite her demure stature, the hostess stood firm; she remained seated and refused entry to the biker gang.

Alternative stories welcome

Its not April Fools Day already, is it?

I know this has appeared on several other bike blogs but I must add my random thoughts on the subject. I keep looking over the Thrust-Pac website, and thinking this has to be a joke, right, they can’t be serious. If it were around the 1st. of April, I would say, “Definitely a spoof.”

I lived in California for fourteen years and still have many friends there, so I hate to generalize, but the Golden State really does have more flakes than a box of cereal. I mean you would have to smoke some serious shit to come up with an idea like this.

I quote from the website: “The Thrust-pac pushes you forward on any device of your choice...bicycles, skates, canoe/kayaks, scooters, wheelchairs, skis etc.”

Wait a minute, back up there. Did they really mention wheelchairs? Retirement homes could invest in one of these and leave it by the front door, just in case one of the old folks wants to make a quick trip to the grocery store.

Just leave a set of roller blades with it for the seniors who are not wheelchair bound. And for everyone else if any of the above listed devices are not suicidal enough for you, how about hang gliding.

I couldn’t help but notice there are many pictures on the website, some taken in famous locations, but none of anyone actually in motion on a bike, skateboard, or skis, etc.

One question I have, if the throttle is operated by flexing the index finger, what happens if you suddenly grab the brakes as in a panic stop.

I hope they are geared up for some serious production, because I can really see people beating their doors down to buy this one at $895 for the starter model. That doesn’t include the cost of the bike. Are they kidding, if you want to be motorized, $895 is close to the price of a nice little Vespa scooter.

Of course I agree $895 for one of these will buy you a lot of attention, and that’s probably what those behind this little venture are banking on. That they are not the only flakes in California with too much time and money on their hands.