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« Dying for Freedom | Main | Political Correctness »
Tuesday
Dec132011

10 useful tips for car drivers

1.)    If you see a cyclist ahead and you can’t pass because of opposing traffic, resist the urge to run over him, even though you can. You know what a mess it can make of your car if you hit a deer; a cyclist will probably do even more damage.

2.)    Don’t throw stuff at cyclists: In some states there is a $250 fine for this; plus there is a $1,000 fine for littering; it can add up. If you feel you must throw something at a cyclist, think of the environment; throw something that is biodegradable.

3.)    Don’t waste time thinking of clever things to yell at cyclists as you drive by at 50mph. Just shout, "Garble, garble, garble, fucking road." It is all they will hear anyway

4.)    If you are approaching a right turn, slow and wait behind the cyclist ahead of you. If you can’t do this at least be consistent and race ahead of other cars, then cut them off by turning right in front of them.

5.)    Use the buddy system. If you can’t resist the urge to text while driving have a buddy ride along to look out for cyclists.

6.)    Pedestrians can also be annoying; they will not stay on one side of the road and are likely to interrupt your texting by crossing over to the other side at some point.

7.)    Resist the urge to lay on the horn. If you can’t do this consider fitting a second horn inside the car a few feet from your head. This will give you a realistic feel of how incredibly fucking loud your car horn is.

8.)    Watch your blind spot: Looking in store windows or at pretty girls as you drive by creates a huge blind spot ahead of you. Cyclists have an annoying habit of riding in this blind spot.

9.)    If a cyclist is riding in the middle of the lane, it could be because he will not ride within five feet of a parked car. (The door zone.) If you expect cyclists to ride within inches of parked cars, set an example by driving within inches of parked cars.

If more cars did this and removed a few car doors, and grazed a few knuckles as a result, it would help by reminding people to look before opening a car door. At the present time cyclists hitting car doors does not have the same impact.

10.)  Avoid hitting cyclists by simply going around them. If you should hit one because he happened to be there when you were applying makeup, don’t say “He swerved in front of me.” Simply tell the police officer, “I didn’t see him.”

This is becoming the more widely accepted defense; after all it is the truth and a driver can’t be expected to see everything. (Don’t try the “I didn’t see it” defense if you run a stop sign. For some strange reason this does not work.)  

 

                        

Reader Comments (19)

GOOD ONE DAVE! Wish this could be posted Nationwide!

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGRUMPY Crump

Whoa! Most excellent and inspired. I may send this to the Letters section of my local newspaper (with attribution, of course). If I do, I'm going to correct this in #3, however:

cleaver things

because this is toooo good to despoil with a typo. And, I don't want to subliminally suggest things motorists could throw. I'd likely survive an apple core (biodegradable) but I'm not so sure about a meat cleaver.

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbystander

bystander,
Thanks, amazingly clever that you spotted that; typo corrected. Reminds me of the story of a baker who could slice four loaves of bread at once with a meat cleaver.
He wrote a song about it called, "I'm looking over a four loaf cleaver."
Feel free to send it to your local paper, but you may need to edit the profanities in order that they publish.
Dave

December 13, 2011 | Registered CommenterDave Moulton

I wear cycling clothing so bright it would cause a poison-arrow toad to blush,retina ripping and as I'm picking up my mangled bike; the driver says "I did not see you "HE should be saying" I was not Looking for you"! There are too many "ghost" bikes and we need more riders for "The Ride of Silence" Let us not forget the cyclists maimed where a hospital bed is their last ride. Your sarcasm matches your lugwork,nice points.Happy Christmas { john Lennon}

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterofoab

Dave, you're welcome, but I'm sure you noticed that the first rule of the internet is still operational. Anytime you correct a typo made by someone else, you are certain to commit one of your own. To wit:

..... wait.....

Did you correct my or to of?

Thanks for permission to send to the newspaper. At the moment, I'm busy sending it to every cyclist in my email contacts list. With attribution, and a link, of course. Maybe it'll show up in more than one local edition!

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbystander

My Brother was driving his car home one day a couple of years back following a really conscientious car in front. Said driver was careful, keeping within the speed limit, indicating (signalling) their intentions and so on.

However a flatbed truck driver threw their car door open and wrote off the poor old fella's car. Cars here in the UK are taught to drive within a couple of inches of parked cars, many of our roads are quite narrow. Must lead to a lot of smashed doors, you might like that, LOL!

Good blog!!

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDownfader

Oh and I agree with Ofoab: "I didnt see you" is no excuse. It really means "I didn't bother to read the road ahead"

In the UK we have this campaign:
http://www.stop-smidsy.org.uk/

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDownfader

Thanks, first and much needed laugh of the day. Keep it up.

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterZed

Thanks for the laugh, Dave.

Apropos to #8 and pretty girls: I've had my share of getting rear ended in my car, but the most memorable was the time when the guy apologized and said "...but did you see that HOT girl in the leather bikini over there?"

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRichard Masoner

11. Turn off all electronic (distracting) devices after before putting the key in the ignition.

NTSB seeks nationwide ban on driver use of personal electronic devices:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/dr-gridlock/post/ntsb-seeks-nationwide-ban-on-driver-use-of-personal-electronic-devices/2011/12/13/gIQAekvBsO_blog.html

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJack

oooo i got one.

if a cyclist is impeding your progress, resist the urge to slow down and wait 10 seconds until you can pass.

instead, you should drive as aggressively and as close as possible while using the horn judiciously. you should also do this for any other vehicles in your way, including slower cars (elderly), work trucks, buses, and vehicles making right/left turns. since using your signal and switching lanes is inconvenient, simply harrass the person in front of you until you get your way.

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commentershane

Excellent tips. I like #9. If this was really executed maybe then drivers would realize why cyclists stay away from the door zone.

I would add one more. Based on my own experience:

11. If you drive a huge freaking truck and see a cyclist in front of you, don't even care. Just pass him inches away. You are bigger and heavier so let that guy on a bike worry where to find some space to move away from your wheels.

December 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbostonbybike

Good post. These rules should be taught in drivers education classes. I recently received my Dutch drivers license and was taught something very interesting: To avoid opening the car door in front of cyclists, the driver should reach across and open the door handle with the right hand, forcing the driver's body to twist around and giving the opportunity to see cyclists coming from behind.

December 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTim J

The problem I see with #5 is that the buddy, once inside the car, will get the urge to whip out his or her own cell and start texting or playing Angry Birds. So you get two people in the car distracted for the price of one. Double wham ya!

December 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChris

I love the #3 tips. You're just wasting time if you shout at cyclist. Lol ;-)

December 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlice | auto parts

Nice shout out to Russ Denny at RKP. Follow your dreams, listen to your heart but above all be smart.

December 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTom Knoblauch

Posted to my FB page now to G+ You might get some rave reviews..... I like the blind spot. There is teh same blind spot when they are blathering out their side window....

December 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRalph

#11, or 12, whatever: when you pass a cyclist within 2 inches/5 cm, then stop to "teach" them they must ride as far left/right of the road that is possible, remember that your big fat cold body and "muscles", even with a shot of coffee, may not be a match for a warm fit upset cyclist, and once you're out of your fucking big truck, the only protection you'll have against their fists and feet (with metal clip shoes ! Ouch ! Those hurt in the privates) is, well, nothing. Don't stop to try and have a go at them, you'll probably end up with a broken nose and/or knee. Run them over but don't stop.

December 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGilboule

(Don’t try the “I didn’t see it” defense if you run a stop sign. For some strange reason this does not work.)

Having said that, the "it swerved in front of me" defense doesn't work with stop signs either!

October 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGer

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