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Road Cyclist’s Ten Commandments

The Vatican recently issued a set of Ten Commandments for motorists. I thought it appropriate that road cyclists have their own.

1. Pray as you cycle, but not with your hands together and your eyes closed.

2. Thou shall not run red lights, except when there is no one else around; it shall be as the tree falling silently in the forest.

3. When a motorist cuts you off, offer up the sign of the cross. One finger pointed towards Heaven will not suffice.

4. Thou shalt wave to thy fellow cyclist. If he should ignore you, offer your blessing, and not “Fuck you, moron.”

5. If three consecutive cyclists ignore your wave, you are exempt from the forth commandment.

6. If passed while climbing a steep hill by a Fred with a 30 inch granny gear, resist the urge to wish that his chain will jump over his plastic dork disc and rip every spoke from his rear wheel.

7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass, nor his six-pack abs, or any other part of his body.

8. Before the sun sets on the Sabbath, thou shalt shave your legs.

9. The meek shall inherit the earth. Blingy equipment that is lighter than an anorexic butterfly, will not substitute for miles in your legs.

10. Thou shalt not lie. Thou shalt not go on Internet forums under a pseudonym and boast how you blew all your friends away on an 8,000-foot climb, when the biggest hill in your area is a bridge over the freeway.

Reader Comments (12)

I love your blog, when I log on I never know what to expect. Some history, some informative tech article, then on occasions some off the wall piece like this. Very funny, and as always very well written. May you to keep us guessing, and keep us entertained.
July 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter Anonymous
Haha! Love the commandments Dave, esp 6 and 10.
July 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter imabug
"Well stated!"
July 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter wrw
This is classic stuff and it's hardly 24-hours old. How do you do it?

You can now expect thousands of visitors after I linked to your blog.

Welllll, okay... two grizzled guys from Colorado, a spinster from Illinois, and a Filipino named Binki.
July 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter HRlaughed
I got an email from Binki; she said she was 26, bored, and wants to send me her pictures.
July 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter Dave Moulton

Don't open the file. REPEAT: DO NOT open the file.

I Opened The File
July 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter HRlaughed
Well, there's nothing in those commandments about coveting Binki, is there?
July 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter Fritz
Your sarcasm brings to light the obvious scorn for the Christian religion. Thats a little cheap.
April 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenter Ron

Just going back and reviewing a classic DM post. Miss this stuff quite a bit Dave.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSkylab

I thought No 1 was "Never look down into a pair of cycling shorts when putting them on" !? (especially when touring)

March 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAxel

"Your sarcasm brings to light the obvious scorn for the Christian religion. Thats a little cheap." quote from Ron

Well, as an Evangelical Christian, I found humor in this piece. I did not feel offended or ridiculed. But then, I read it as humor not theology. Write on, Dave.

June 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGT

Loved the Commandments but I might offer a little addition for number eight. For the married man, to lead a satisfactory life with his wife, thereby complications with seven, being prickly six of the seven days of the week won't work. Great post. Thanks for the laugh.

March 19, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJim
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