Batman and Robin never had this problem

Road cyclists as a group are under attack again. Recently there was the New Jersey Quick Release Ban, now there is a movement afoot to ban cycling shorts in Salt Lake City, Utah. A group calling themselves Citizens for Decent Public Attire, finds the skin tight cycling shorts worn by local cyclists, offensive.

The fears of this group are unfounded and the women of Utah are safe; I can assure them that there is nothing quick release about a pair of bib shorts.

After giving this issue much thought, it occurred to me that Batman and Robin, Superman and all the other super heroes of yesteryear wore tights and never had this problem. And they were on television in an era when censorship was far more strict than today.

For example, at that time, married couples could not be shown in the same bed together. Also remember, this was children's television and had the brim of the hat been even slightly visible, there would have been hell to pay.

So how did the Dynamic Duo get away with it? It was not that these actors were not well endowed; they didn't call Robin "The Boy Wonder" for nothing.

The answer was in discrete padding in their tights that made them appear Genitalia-less. Only the slightest hint of a bulge in the pubic area, just enough to distinguish Batman from Batwoman. The result, no one was offended.

The manufactures of cycling shorts should take note; the technology to make the penis as invisible as a stealth bomber on the radar screen was there in the 1950s, and can be used again today.

It appears that Performance Bicycle may already be using this concept. (See picture, right.)

I can imagine the potential for some catchy advertising like: "The Anti-bacterial padding in these shorts is cleverly placed for a low profile, less pretentious package."

Or: "Extreme comfort level for both the wearer and the casual observer."

It also occurred to me, and again, the idea sprang from television censorship. Today anything offensive we might see on TV is Pixilated; blurred out so we can't see the details.

Here is an idea; why not print the pixilation right on the shorts in the crotch area.

Any innocent bystander who might accidentally gaze in that direction, would see the pixilation, and being accustomed to seeing this on TV would be satisfied that the matter had been taken care of.

The pixilation should be extended from the crotch to the rear of the shorts, because when those white shorts get wet, we can see your butt crack.

I should start charging money for ideas like this, but I do it for the good of the sport of cycling.

Give up Lycra and my Helmet; not Bloody Likely

A British online magazine called City Cycling appears to be aimed at people commuting to work in large cities. It is encouraging that there are enough people doing this to show interest and support for such a website.

However, a recent article suggests that cyclists should abandon lycra and helmets. The author of this piece seems to think that cyclists dressed in such a style are seen as “not human” or are from another “tribe,” and consequently unworthy of attention.”

The idea is, dressed in street clothes, i.e. jeans and tee shirt or a suit and tie, other road users will see us as human beings just like them. As a result they will be a little more tolerant towards us. Somehow, I don’t think so.

If I ride down the middle of a traffic lane, take the lane so to speak, because I am attempting to turn left; the person behind me, delayed for a few seconds is not going to be any less pissed off if I look like I just stepped off the cover of GQ.

As for the idea that the driver doesn’t see me as human? He knows I’m human, otherwise he would run me down like a squirrel. I would like to think it is human decency that prevents him from doing so, but more than likely it is not wanting to deal with the consequences, that is the biggest deterrent.

In a few cases, I think it is the fact that they could run me down, but are not allowed to in a civilized society that makes them so mad. They will sit behind a farm tractor doing ten miles per hour for as long as it takes, and deal with it, but God forbid they should have to slow to fifteen or twenty miles per hour for a few seconds behind a cyclist.

When I go riding I put on my team jersey, not because I want to be seen as belonging to some other tribe; I just want to be seen, period. I choose a team jersey for its bright colors, not because I support that particular team.

The other reason I choose a genuine team jersey is the quality of the product. It is designed to give the wearer maximum comfort under extreme racing conditions. So I know during my modest exertions I can concentrate on riding my bike without being focused on how uncomfortable my clothes make me feel.

Designed to keep the wind off if it is a little chilly, or to keep me dry and comfortable if I am sweating like the proverbial pig. I can throw it in a cold wash when I’m through riding, and it is practically dry after the spin cycle.

Another quote from the article, “Normal people don't wear polystyrene hats.” Bicycle helmets don’t give total protection, and no one should be lulled into a false sense of security by wearing one.

I was wearing a helmet when I hit an SUV last December and still came away with a hairline skull fracture. But I was glad I had a little Styrofoam between my head and the very solid side of that vehicle, and I am sure without it I could have been injured more.

You don’t have to wear lycra and a helmet to enjoy cycling, and I am not advocating that everyone should dress thus. It is a sport that can give pleasure at any level. I just happen to be an ex-racing cyclist and still enjoy a road bike.

I cannot ride unless I am going balls out, as fast as I can. It is what I have done all my life; I try to maintain a level of fitness so I can continue to do so. I cannot ride in this fashion in a suit, or in blue jeans feeling like my nuts are in a tourniquet.

In spite of my earlier comments, when I’m on the road I try not to adopt an “us and them” attitude; it serves no useful purpose. Traffic is not going to get any lighter, so I must deal with it. However, I am going to exercise my right to ride on the public highway.

I try to be considerate and courteous at all times; if someone slows down and is cautious when passing, I will often give them a little thank you wave. My way of saying thank you for not passing at fifty miles an hour, missing me by inches.

Most road users don’t mind sharing the road with a cyclist if they are predictable and give clear signals of their intentions. They dislike cyclists who weave in an out of traffic for example.

If I wear lycra and a helmet at least I look like I know what I am doing. If I wear street clothes; I could be someone who just decided to “go green” the previous week, or someone who has just got their third DUI ticket.

Its not April Fools Day already, is it?

I know this has appeared on several other bike blogs but I must add my random thoughts on the subject. I keep looking over the Thrust-Pac website, and thinking this has to be a joke, right, they can’t be serious. If it were around the 1st. of April, I would say, “Definitely a spoof.”

I lived in California for fourteen years and still have many friends there, so I hate to generalize, but the Golden State really does have more flakes than a box of cereal. I mean you would have to smoke some serious shit to come up with an idea like this.

I quote from the website: “The Thrust-pac pushes you forward on any device of your choice...bicycles, skates, canoe/kayaks, scooters, wheelchairs, skis etc.”

Wait a minute, back up there. Did they really mention wheelchairs? Retirement homes could invest in one of these and leave it by the front door, just in case one of the old folks wants to make a quick trip to the grocery store.

Just leave a set of roller blades with it for the seniors who are not wheelchair bound. And for everyone else if any of the above listed devices are not suicidal enough for you, how about hang gliding.

I couldn’t help but notice there are many pictures on the website, some taken in famous locations, but none of anyone actually in motion on a bike, skateboard, or skis, etc.

One question I have, if the throttle is operated by flexing the index finger, what happens if you suddenly grab the brakes as in a panic stop.

I hope they are geared up for some serious production, because I can really see people beating their doors down to buy this one at $895 for the starter model. That doesn’t include the cost of the bike. Are they kidding, if you want to be motorized, $895 is close to the price of a nice little Vespa scooter.

Of course I agree $895 for one of these will buy you a lot of attention, and that’s probably what those behind this little venture are banking on. That they are not the only flakes in California with too much time and money on their hands.

Utter Rubbish

My Blog of July 21st on stem length has been shot down, debunked, dismissed as “Utter Rubbish.”

I failed to take into account the Competitive Fit, the Eddy Fit, the French Fit, and also the little known and yet to be accepted, Hissy Fit. I also realized that rude people may have a longer middle finger than most throwing the whole formula out of whack.

If you rushed out and bought a new handlebar stem on the strength of my Blog, I apologize. But look at it this way; your local bike store needs the business.

Let’s face it; every time a bike store closes its doors people become homeless. Forced to get out and actually ride their bikes instead of being able to stand around at the weekends in a friendly, climate controlled atmosphere, and BS about bikes.

This elbow against the tip of the saddle trick is just an “Old wife’s tale” and should be totally ignored. I was simply pointing out that there is often a grain of truth to most folk lore and that the length of forearm is relevant to foot length and therefore to the rest of the body.

Most old wives will also verify that length of the foot is relevant to penis size; which makes perfect sense when you consider that long feet prevent well endowed men from falling on their face.