Don’t be a jerk

Steve Hindy writing on the NYC Streets Blog said:

“Don’t Be A Jerk” is precisely the sort of catchy phrase that is needed to wake up all New York City cyclists, of all economic classes and educational backgrounds, to the need to obey the rules of the road. It is simple and direct, and has a New York ring to it.”

I put that thought to rhyme.

Don’t be a jerk
While riding to work
You know it’s not right
To go through a red light
But you think it’s OK
If you act that way

And when you blow a stop
Even though there’s no cop
You give us all a bad name
And we all get the blame
It’s bad for our cause
If you break the laws

All cyclists look bad
And that makes me mad
‘Cos it rubs off on me
I wish you could see
When you buzz someone walking
Even though they are talking

Not paying attention
But perhaps I should mention
On the sidewalk you see
Where you shouldn’t be
You buzz little old ladies
And mothers with babies

Scaring the crap
And not only that
You go the wrong way
Like you do each day
And at one intersection
Looking opposite direction

A car driver waits
And maybe it’s fate
Just as you pass
He steps on the gas
The outcome not good
As you bounce off the hood

You land in the street
And you lay at the feet
Of the little old ladies
And mothers with babies
The ones that you scared
‘Cos you didn’t care

You lay there all broken
And no words are spoken
You can see in their eyes
That they sympathize
They know that you hurt
Even though you’re a jerk

                         

Terminology

I just read a letter in a newspaper where someone described themselves as an “Avid Cycler.”

I’m sorry, if you call yourself a “Cycler” you are not an avid bike rider, which I think is what you are trying to say. The term is “Cyclist.”

You could be an Avid Recycler if you collect old newspapers, and plastic bottles; but that’s a whole different story.

Then I read an ad on Craig’s List where a person selling a bicycle described it as having:

“Covers over the wheels, so you won’t get your clothes wet when riding in the rain.”

They are called “Mudguards.”

Some still call them “Fenders,” which is mildly acceptable. At least we know what you are talking about; in this case I never would have known had there not been a photograph of said bike, sporting mudguards.

When I first came to the US in 1979, there was a whole different vocabulary for bicycle parts that drove me crazy.

People called a handlebar stem (Left.) a “Gooseneck.” If I ever saw a goose with a neck shaped like that, it was one sick bird.

A spanner was called a wrench; now some call it a spanner wrench. One of those words is obsolete.

Before we had freewheel cassettes, the old screw-on five and six speed freewheels were called a freewheel “Block.” In the US they called them a “Cluster.” And Americans would insist on calling a saddle, a “Seat.”

Now the fact that a saddle was attached to a seat post, which in turn slid into a seat tube on the frame, was neither here nor there. I wasn’t around for that planning meeting.

Some terms have never changed; Campagnolo was always abbreviated to “Campag” in the UK, in the US it is “Campy.” I never abbreviate the name, that way I am correct on both sides of the pond.

Tubular tires, (Or is it Tyres?) in the UK are “Sprints and Tubs.” Sprints referring to the sprint rims, and tubs being short for tubulars. In the US they are “Sewups,” which no longer drives me crazy, although it does make me a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Now the “Hipster” crowd have started calling them “Tubies,” which is kind of ‘cute,’ but what does drive me stark raving bonkers, is the fixie element referring to toe-clips as “Cages.”

They have always been “Toe-clips,” on both sides of the Atlantic. It was the one word that didn’t get bastardized in translation.

They have been abandoned by most branches on the sport for clip-less pedals. (There is a clue, right there.) Anyone who calls them cages should be locked up in one.

                       

Smoking and Cycling

I have never smoked although growing up in the 1940s and 1950s it was an era when it seemed everyone smoked including many cyclists.

It was always strange to me to witness a finishing sprint in a race and then see many of the riders collapse exhausted at the side of the road and immediately light up a cigarette, usually followed by a bout of coughing.

The picture below I sure you have seen many times; it is from the early days of the Tour de France and shows the riders taking a cigarette break.

Below is a pretty cleaver modern day re-enactment of the above famous picture. Note the guy in the second row, center crouching down, and the rider further back holding up his water bottle.

In 1978 I was lucky enough to see Eddie Merckx race in London towards the end of his career. I was surprised to see him light up a cigarette at the finish line of the event. In later years I saw Merckx several times at various trade shows throughout the 1980s and witnessed him smoking several times.

This is how Eddie looks today.

Just kidding, that is not Eddie Merckx.

I couldn’t find any pictures of Eddie Merckx smoking, but here’s a shot (Below.) of Italian pro cyclist Mario Cipollini taking a drag while riding. Cipollini’s career highlights include World Road Championship and the Milan-San Remo in 2002.

Of course the whole key is, you have to start young.

The rest is just training.

  

                           

Talisman

Tal-is-man (noun) an object believed to give magical powers to somebody who carries or wears it, e.g. a stone or jewel.

The talisman has been around throughout history, whether it be the Native American medicine bag, or a religious symbol like a Crucifix, or St. Christopher medallion, or something similar. Usually, in these cases the talisman is said to protect the wearer from bodily harm.

For years there have been copper bracelets and others that incorporate magnets said to cure rheumatism. Some eastern philosophies maintain there is a flow of energy throughout the human body and indeed the universe that can somehow be controlled and directed by certain objects.

I remember some years ago helping a female friend move into a new apartment. The first thing she did was to hang a crystal in the widow, and remark, “Can’t you just feel the energy that it draws into the room.” I was thinking, We could use some energy to get the rest of this shit moved in here.

One could accept that a copper or magnetic bracelet might actually do something; copper being an excellent conductor of electricity, and magnets actually producing and electrical or magnetic field.

But how about a plastic bracelet? I find that a stretch. However, since 2007 a group of athletes have managed to sell the “Power Balance” bracelet (Pictured above.) at $30 a pop, said to work with the body’s natural energy field.

Used by certain professional cyclists, and other top athletes, the makers of the Power Balance bracelet claim that it can make you go faster, and of course it can’t be detected in a dope test.  

What supposedly makes this plastic bracelet work is that it incorporates a “Hologram.” I have a hologram of a little bird on my Visa credit and debit cards; it symbolizes my money flying away.

There is also one on my driver’s license; so if I carry these items while riding my bike, I should be covered in the Hologram/Energy field department. There is no need to shell out $30 for a Power Balance bracelet.

Now I read that the Australian government has stepped in to stop the producers of the Power Balance bracelet from claiming that the product does anything except relieve you of $30 and look cool when you are wearing it.

Actually the talisman does work. However, it has nothing to do with the object actually doing anything, but everything to do with the wearer’s belief that it does.  It is the wearer’s mind that cures the rheumatism, or makes him go faster on his bike. The mind is a powerful thing.

People go to Lourdes, France and are cured of all manner of illnesses and diseases; this is well documented. They are not cured by their visit to this one particular place; it is their unshakable faith that such a trip will cure them.

It could be that the Power Balance bracelet actually did help cyclists go faster, although the Australian government has now killed that idea stone dead.

When I ride my bike I have an invisible “Energy Field” that extends three feet all around me. It weighs nothing and it cost me nothing, because it is invisible. It protects me and keeps me safe.

I have completely dispensed with the talisman, and just use my mind. I am currently working to get the energy field to rotate counter clockwise on the left, and clockwise on the right, so it will actually push me along.

You might try it, only please be like me and not tell anyone, or people might think you are loony-tunes. On the other hand, apparently many people thought the Power Balance Bracelet was legit, and a government had to step in to save people from themselves 

                          

The Anatomy of a Douchebag

Douchebag I think is a great word that has crept into our language; a little less harsh than “Asshole” and therefore slightly more funny.

Some consider it sexist and think maybe it should be “Enemabag,” but that doesn’t roll off the tongue quite the same, so for the purpose of this article, “Douchebag” is what it is.

All the troubles in the world today are caused by people behaving badly; in other words by douchebags.

The world would be at peace if it were not for douchebags, we would not be in this financial crisis if it were not for a relatively few douchebags.

This is not a scientific study; it is simply based on observations of douchebags and douchebaggery I have made throughout my lifetime.

It is opinion…. mine; take from it what you can, or dismiss it in part or in its entirely.

I have no fear of offending anyone; douchebags do not recognize themselves as such. Maybe douchebags only see bigger douchebags.

Hitler was probably the biggest douchebag of all time, and all others descend on a scale down from that level.

Douchebaggery is primarily a male trait; women are not usually called douchebags. However, testosterone is not a requirement; I know because in my lifetime I have been in relationships, and at one time was married to the female version.

I am not sure if douchebaggery is inherited through DNA, or if it is acquired at an early age, maybe a combination of the two. Actually most children are little douchebags; they manipulate and control to further their own ends, and get much of their pleasure at the expense of others.

School bullying has always been a problem; today I think it is worse. Most kids grow out of this tendency as they mature, but the saying “Men will be boys,” is often a lame excuse for douchebaggery.

Maybe we all start out as little douchebags, and some grow to become full blown total assholes by natural selection.

The freeway is a good place to spot a douchebag. Traffic is flowing nicely, everyone driving close to the speed limit, all are getting where they need to be.

Then here comes the douchebag, driving much faster than everyone else, constantly switching lanes as he threads his way through traffic on a never ending quest to be ahead.

In the anonymity of his automobile he can practice douchebaggery with impunity. The douchebag puts everyone’s safety at risk for his own satisfaction or need. He is the primary cause of most car crashes, especially on the freeway.

I believe it is not because he is always running late and is in a hurry to get where he is going; it is the nature of the douchebag to be number one.

He would push old ladies out of the way to be first in line at the grocery store, but he won’t, because there are limits to how far a douchebag will go.

He knows to cross a certain line would ruin his social standing, and social standing is extremely important to the douchebag.

He will unleash his douchebaggery on innocent victims; he will bring female store clerks and waitresses to tears, but behave in a totally different manner in the presence of a person who can further his social standing.

When a douchebag reaches the highest level in his social standing, it is the point where he switches from being a pain in the ass, to potentially extremely dangerous.

Douchebaggery is all about ME. Look at ME, ME strong, ME first. Douchebaggey is born out of a primal instinct that we share with all other creatures on this planet; that is survival. The will to survive and the fear of death ensure the continuation of all the species.

It is as if we are placed on this earth and told “Survive,” but we are never told how to survive. Some of us think in order to survive we must go around pleasing others in order that they will love us. Others think in order to survive they must control others and get them to do their will.

We see it in the animal kingdom, the alpha dog controlling the others by bullying and inflicting pain, and the rest submissive and trying to please their leader.

You can see this primal behavior when people get together in a large group. Invariably there will be a few douchebags within the group, and the followers want to fit in with everybody. Pretty soon the whole group is behaving like douchebags, (A lynch mob mentality.) when most would not act like that away from the group.

It is easy to see how people from the two groups pair off in relationships, and marriages; each fulfills a need in the other. It is those who have the tendencies to control have the tendencies to be a douchebag. Although as previously stated, there are degrees of douchebaggery.

The real douchebag controls by bullying and intimidation, others control subtly by manipulation and passive-aggressive type behavior. For the most part these are fairly harmless.

If you think you might have controlling tendencies and have a desire to change, then you are probably not a douchebag.  

Real douchebags see the world as one big hostile environment, where it is THEM against everyone else.

They cannot change, and will not see fault in themselves, because THEY are all they have, they must remain in control at all cost.

As with drug addiction or alcoholism the key to recovery is first admitting there is a problem. A douchebag cannot change because he does not see himself as a douchebag. Therefore this article will not offend the real douchebag.

I came to realize a long time ago that I do not need to go around pleasing others in order to survive; I can do nothing else but survive.

Ultimately the only approval I need is my own approval, and that realization has set me free. By not seeking the approval of others, I cannot be controlled by others.

The good news is most people would rather please their fellow man than offend them. If I need someone to do something for me, I don’t need to manipulate or control; most will willingly help me, all I have to do is ask.

They also know they can ask a favor in return. In order for someone to give, someone has to receive; by graciously accepting help from another, I am fulfilling a need in them.

There will always be douchebags, and unfortunately many reach the top in government and in the corporate world. It is their nature to climb all the way to the top of the shit pile.

I was always taught that cream rises to the top; sadly in the real world what rises is the scum.

Fortunately in our day to day lives douchebags are in the minority; I just make a point of staying as far away from them as possible