The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Since 1983 the English Department of the San Jose State University has sponsored the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

A whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the worst possible opening sentence to an imaginary novel.

Named after the Victorian English writer Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who penned a novel with the opening line, “It was a dark and stormy night.” Later immortalized by Snoopy, the beloved Schultz “Peanuts” cartoon character.

Bulwer-Lytton is also credited with coining the now famous quotations, “The pen is mightier than the sword,” “The great unwashed,” and “The pursuit of the almighty dollar.”

During the more than thirty years the Bulwer-Lytton contest has been in existence it has grown in popularity to attract entries numbering in the thousands, from contestants worldwide.  Prestigious newspapers in the past have written articles about it, and requoted the winning entries.  

The number of entries per person is unrestricted making the total entries received far greater than the number of people. So I was thrilled when the two entries I submitted were recognized. I won First Prize in the “Children’s Literature” sub-section, with the following entry:

“The doctors all agreed the inside of Charlie’s intestinal tract looked like some dark, dank subway system in a decaying inner city, blackened polyps hanging from every corner like tiny ticking terrorist time bombs, waiting to burst forth in cancerous activity; however, to Timmy the Tapeworm this was home.”

Furthermore my second entry received a “Dishonorable Mention,” (Which is actually good.) in the Crime/Detective” sub-section:

“The janitor’s body lay just inside the door, a small puncture wound below his right ear made with a long thin screwdriver, the kind electricians use and can often be found in the bargain bin at the hardware store and come with a pair of cheap wire cutters that you never use because they won’t cut wire worth a damn and at best will only put a small indent in the wire so you can at least bend it back and forth until it breaks.”

These winning entries bring no monetary gain, but never-the-less it is a huge deal for me. It is recognition for my creative endeavors. Although it is extremely satisfying to have people admire my past work, namely bicycle frames I built, it is my “Past” work. I have moved on.

I was recently called out on my use of the term “ex framebuilder,” and it was suggested I should drop the “ex.” It is part of my title now, it has been the heading of this blog since its inception almost ten years ago. I haven’t built a frame since 1993.

When I walked from the bike business, I decided to direct my efforts in other creative directions, namely writing and songwriting. A difficult field to reach any level of recognition because there are way more writers and songwriters than framebuilders.

It is one thing to take metal and paint and create a functional object of great beauty, but to choose words and assemble them in the correct order, for me is the greatest form of creativity. It is truly creating something out of nothing. Songwriting takes this concept a step further, I am adding random musical notes to the equation.

So this is why this whimsical, nonsense, competition means so much to me. It is a level of recognition for what I do now. One cannot dwell on things they have done in the past, no matter how worthwhile. I like to think that my greatest creative achievements are yet to come.

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It is news when cyclists die, news when they don’t

In a country with a population of three hundred and fifty million people, less than two cyclists die on roads in the US each day. A pretty miniscule number, so rare these deaths are always reported by local media, to be picked up elsewhere and the stories re-run across the nation.

On any given day some 12 pedestrians will die, and around 90 people driving cars will be killed somewhere across America. For the most part these fatalities will go unreported. This lop-sided reporting of cycling deaths, gives an erroneous impression that cycling is far more dangerous than it really is.

So it pissed me off, irked me somewhat this morning to read an article in the New York Times with the headline, “No riders killed in the first 5 months of the bike share program.”

When Citi Bike was introduced earlier this year it was widely speculated that that this bike share program would be a “Blood Bath,” putting inexperienced cyclists among New York’s crazy drivers.

Now people are surprised it didn’t turn out that way, even though similar bike share programs introduced in other large cities around the world, didn’t see huge increases in cycling fatalities either.

John Pucher, a professor of urban planning and public policy at Rutgers University and a so called cycling advocate, said last year that he expected, “At least a doubling and possibly even a tripling in injuries and fatalities among cyclists and pedestrians during the first year of the bike share program.” What a prick, strange thing for a cycling advocate to say.

I have written about John Purcher before. He uses fear tactics to push his own crazy fucking ideas, agenda for urban planning. This includes separating motor vehicles from cyclists and pedestrians. A utopian notion that will never happen in large cities like New York, the cost would be prohibitive. And to what end? Just so motorists can drive like fucking lunatics, as fast as they wish, and continue to slaughter each other.

The real story in this NY Times article, and one that should have made the headline, is almost lost three quarters of the way in. It states that traffic fatalities are down 30% since 2001. This is a huge amount of lives saved across the board, cyclists, pedestrians, and motorists.

This bears out a truth that dick-wads like Purcher don’t get, real cycling advocates understand. The more cyclists added to a city’s traffic mix, the safer it becomes for everyone. For a start, every bicycle represents one less car, so less conjestion.

The closer you get to there being as many bikes on the streets as cars, everyone is forced to drive slower, and more important, pay attention. So even adding inexperienced riders on Citi Bikes to the mix is a good thing. It makes it safer for everyone.

Finally, New York City Comptroller, John C. Liu, has been pushing to add bike helmets to Citi Bikes. Making helmets mandatory would probably be the kiss of death for any bike share program. It makes a simple program very complicated.

No one wants to wear a sweaty rental helmet that someone else has just worn, and it is unlikely most people are going to walk around with their own helmet on the off chance they might rent a Citi Bike. Although that is an option. (Left.)

As it stands a person in NYC, has the choice of walking from A to B, or renting a bike and getting there a lot easier and quicker. Of course there is also the option of taxi or subway.

But let’s say the person decides to get from A to B under their own steam. If he/she decides to walk, they could just as likely be hit by a car while crossing the street. However, no one suggests pedestrians should wear helmets.

Helmets are designed to offer protection should the cyclist fall from the bike and strike their head. Mr. Liu states at the end of this article, that Citi Bike users ride slow, very slow, and ultra-slow. So falling from one of the very heavy bicycles is a remote possibility.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pucher is covering his ass, hedging his bets when he said in an interview last week that while he regretted predicting a doubling or tripling in bike deaths, he would be “really surprised” if future data did not reveal at least a modest increase in injuries.

I will be expecting a follow up story in the New York Times at some time or other, when it will be reported that a whole bunch of cyclists have either been killed, or possibly not.

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Talking Bollocks

Bollocks is a swear word common in the UK and Ireland but seldom heard in the US. The word goes way back in history to at least the 14^th Century, and like many swear words it is versatile and has different meanings depending on the context in which it is used.

The literal (And original.) meaning is “Testicles,” but it is uttered upon any kind of mishap or disappointment. This is the way it is used in the above Volkswagen commercial video. In a similar situation in the US a person would usually say “Shit.”

The word can also mean “Bull Shit.” “That’s all Bollocks” or “That’s a Load of Bollocks,” would be a common usage. Someone “Talking Bollocks,” is talking nonsense or is full of shit.

A politician giving a speech might be heckled by someone in the crowd who sings out, “What a Load of Bollocks,” in that same “Nah nah nah nah nah” way that children use.

Someone giving another a hard time or being overly critical might get a response of “Bollocks;” in other words “Fuck you.” A person might tell a coworker, “The boss wants you to do this.” The defiant answer might be, “Bollocks, I ain’t doing that.” Meaning, “Fuck it, I’m not doing that.”

Later in the day the same worker is seen doing the very thing the boss told him to do. He tells his coworker, “The boss called me in his office and gave me a right Bollicking.”

In America a “Bollocking” would mean “Getting your ass chewed out.” A guy might say to a friend, “I stayed out late last night and the wife gave me a bollocking, and told me to get home early tonight.”

Anything that is “The Dog’s Bollocks,” is cool, or Kool. “Come look at these custom wheels I’ve just put on my car.” “Oh yea… That’s the Dog’s Bollocks.” Or possibly, “Look at you all dressed up in your new suit, aren’t you the Dogs Bollocks.”

In the 1920s there was an upper class catch phrase, “The Cat’s Pajamas.” The Dogs Bollocks was probably a working class version of the Cat’s Pajamas. Sometimes “The Bollocks” is used in this context, as opposed to just plain Bollocks.

If you, “Drop a Bollock,” (Note the singular, one Bollock.) it means “You Screwed Up.” Someone might tell you, “You made a Right Bollocks of that job.” Or “You really Bollocksed that one up.” If something is broken, or no longer works, it is “Bollocksed.”

“Did you go to the game last night?” “Yea, they played Bollocks.” Or “They were Bollocks.” Meaning they were bad, played poorly, or generally sucked. “The highlight of the whole evening was when someone ran out on the field, Stark Bollock Naked.”

The term "A Kick in the Bollocks" (Not to be taken literally.) would be a severe setback in life. “His wife left him.” “Well that’s a Kick in the Bollocks.”

If someone "Has you by the Bollocks," you are in a difficult situation that will be hard to extricate yourself from.

In winter you might “Freeze your Bollocks off.” Or you can “Work your Bollocks off.” In the same way in America you can “Freeze or work your ass off.”

In 1977 the British Punk group The Sex Pistols, had an album titled “Never Mind the Bollocks, it’s the Sex Pistols.” They were subsequently taken to trial for obscenity. The group won, and the case was thrown out when the defense was able to argue that Bollocks was simply an old English word that had fallen out of general use.

This is by way of an education for any American vacationing in Britain or Ireland. Trying to explain America to the Brits or any European for that matter, is like trying to explain the desert to a squid.

It is best not to talk politics; you might be accused of “Talking Bollocks.” Someone might give you a "Bollocking," or if you find yourself in the wrong part of London or Glasgow, Scotland, you might get a "Swift Kick in the Bollocks." (Literally.)

Try not to “Drop a Bollock,” and you might just be considered “The Dog’s Bollocks.”

                       

The Weight Weenie

A Weight Weenie is a person who is obsessive about the weight of their bicycle; it is a trait, to this day I do not fully understand.

Shaving a few grams of weight from your bike will also slim down your bank account by copious amounts of cash, as you replace components with lighter, more expensive, and sometimes less reliable ones.

The question I always want to ask is, “Do you want to ride it, or weigh it?” Of course, a road bike or racing bicycle needs to be lightweight, but to what limit. What is the point of removing a few grams from your bike if your body is 10, 20 or more pounds overweight?

Even the serious racing cyclist who is a super fit athlete will want to consider whether, for example, is it worth it to buy a super light component and have it break and cost him the race. In bicycle racing it is always the rider not his equipment that wins races.

If you are trying to fly, become airborne, weight is a big factor. However, rolling on a flat surface weight has little effect, and you could argue that added weight would give you momentum.

Consider this scenario. A standard size water bottle filled with water weighs a pound and a half. If you are riding with a friend and you hand him your water bottle, you have instantly lost 1 ½ lbs. and he has gained the same amount.

If weight were such a large factor, you would expect that you would suddenly shoot forward and your friend would drop back. The fact is neither of you feel the slightest difference, even if you are climbing a hill.

It is on the hills, the Weight Weenie will argue that weight, or lack of it is an advantage. I sometimes wonder if this is entirely true. I used to build a criterium frame in Columbus SP tubing that was heavier than my road frame built in SL.

Owners of this particular model always remark how well the bike climbs. The reason is the stiffness of the frame, transfers the rider’s energy to the rear wheel more efficiently. Whether this criterium bike is actually faster or just feels faster is something that would be difficult to prove.

I will say this, if I am riding up hill on my 20 plus pound steel road bike with another rider of equal fitness level on a 14 lb. carbon fiber bike. I claim we would both arrive at the top at the same time.

Weight Weenieism is not a disease, there is no 12 step cure; it is a more like a religious or political belief. It is relatively harmless, although it can cause financial hardship, leading to marital stress.

And remember this: Blingy equipment that weighs less than an anorexic butterfly is no substitute for miles in your legs  

                         

Asleep at the wheel

It is no secret that when I left the bike business in 1993 I fell on hard times financially; it was the reason I had to give up framebuilding. People stopped buying road bikes in favor of mountain bikes.

My car reflected my financial status; it was a piece of junk, 1975 Mercury Station Wagon. Not the one pictured here; mine was in much worse condition and in need of repair. Not the kind of vehicle one would take pictures to save and show to their grandchildren.

It did however, come with certain advantages; it gave me right of way for one. On those six and eight lane freeways they have in Southern California it is necessary to make several lane changes long before your exit. People are not too good at letting you do this; you are forced to just put on your turn signal on and ease on over.

I found with a car like a beat up 1975 Mercury Station Wagon people tended to give way real quick when I started to change lanes; he who has the least to loose, has right of way, it’s an unwritten law.

A big disadvantage with my old clunker, the air conditioning didn’t work; but in Southern California I could manage without it. Although the climate is hot, the air is dry and driving with all the windows down was actually quite pleasant.

My arm resting on the top edge of the door, my hand on the rear view mirror; the breeze blowing up my shirt sleeve keeping my body’s natural cooling system, namely my armpit, working efficiently.

The only problem with this form of nature’s air conditioning is that it broke down at any time I went below speeds of thirty miles per hour, which on LA’s freeways is most of the time.

Something I find hard to understand. Everyone knows how difficult it is to sleep in a room without air conditioning on a hot summer night; you can’t sleep because you’re hot and uncomfortable.

How is it then, under the exact same circumstances, driving a car on the freeway you can’t stay awake? Aren’t you even more uncomfortable than you are in bed without air conditioning? So why does the discomfort not work for you when you most need it to stay alert?

One time the freeway I was on took a path through a steep canyon when traffic came to a standstill.

There was no exit, and I was in the fourth lane of a six lane freeway; I was stuck.

I could see traffic was stopped two or three miles ahead up a long gradient; it would be a while before we moved again.

It was late afternoon and I started to feel sleepy. I decided not to fight the urge to doze; I turned the engine off and lay down on the front bench seat. This was another advantage of these old cars; the front seat was like a sofa with no obstruction in the center. The person behind me would be sure to lay on the horn when we started moving again.

I have no idea how long I slept but I awoke to find traffic was moving by me on either side at about twenty-five or thirty miles per hour. The person behind me instead of alerting me when traffic started moving must have decided to go around me.

People following seeing no one in the driver’s seat (Because I was laying down.) assumed it was an abandoned vehicle and continued going around me.

I had just discovered another advantage of my chosen mode of transport; a person can lie down, take forty winks in the middle of a six lane freeway and people will let you rest and simply go around you.

My unusual afternoon nap had refreshed me enough that I was now fully alert as I completed the final leg of my journey. Had I brought ‘Sleeping at the Wheel’ to a whole new level?