I Don't Suffer for my Art

I have a new book titled “I Don’t Suffer for my Art.”

The subtitle inside reads “It’s the people who read this shit that suffer for my art.”

It is a collection of over 1,500 short humorous quips, together with 100 cartoons also drawn by me.

The book contains some strong adult language, and anyone who would be offended by this, I would rather they not read the book. I give fair warning of the content in the opening pages.

Here are a few excerpts:

Did you watch the Kentucky Derby? I haven’t seen that many horse faces and funny hats since the Royal Wedding.

When I know I’m right is when I need to shut up the most.

People buying cake and ice cream never actually “run” to the store. 

“Stake my wife, please.” (Vampire comedian)

According to my eye doctor, my right eye is dominant and my left eye is tired of taking this crap. 

I sometimes feel I’d rather see a person holding a bloody hatchet than a clip board in front of a store.

If you see a guy wearing a suit on a bus he’s probably on his way to court.

I have several motivational posters if anyone is interested, because I don’t think I’ll ever get around to hanging them.

It’s harder for a woman to dance her way out of a welding job than it was in the 80’s.

Do they say? “He died doing what he loved,” about people killed texting while driving.

I’ve spent most of my life dealing with the issue of being a man trapped outside a woman’s body.

I’m paranoid AND needy. I think people are talking about me, just not as often as I’d like.

It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it’s a life of piracy on the high seas.

Danger is my middle name. First name: Avoids. Last name: Completely.

When I was a kid I stayed at my uncle’s farm. He said. “There’s 39 sheep out there, I want you to round them up.” I said, “OK there’s 40 sheep out there.”

True friends do not judge each other. They get together and judge other people.

If your kid can arm fart Ritchie Blackmore’s entire guitar riff from Smoke on the Water, he’ll probably go far in life 

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.

It doesn’t take much to make a woman happy…. It takes even less to make her mad.

Parents today tell their kids, “Finish posting pictures of your food. There are children starving for attention in other countries.”

Iran declares “A Grand Day of Death to America.” With face painting for the kids.

Are retirement communities grey areas?

I once dated a Miss Universe…. But sadly not from this Universe.

I don’t get it, the accordion is such a difficult instrument to play. You could study to play one for 30 years and best case scenario you’re playing for three toddlers at a farmer’s market.

Did you know you can drop a baby off at any fire station, no questions asked? Doesn’t even have to be on fire. 

Note to every news channel…. Unless they are in a zoo, all bears are, “On the loose.”

Parents today don’t worry about their kids running away fromhome. Mainly because that would require going outside and gettingsome exercise.

Definition of irony: “Getting pregnant on a pull out sofa.”

The book will not be in stores until the end of October. If you would like a pre-release copy, email me at davesbikeblog[AT]gmail.com  

The book is in Paperback, 8.5  in. x 5.5 in. 195 pages. $14 plus $3 postage in the US (Media Rate.) $5 (Priority Mail.) You can pay with PayPal via the "Donate" button on the DaveMoultonRegistry. Overseas shipping unfortunately costs more than the book, but email if you are interested.

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Comments

[Midland]

Those are quite amusing.